This is an interesting phenomenon although some cultures are committed to this principle of sacrificing and working hard to give the next generation a better opportunity, a better future for generations to come. In fact, this is the reason America was inhabited and continues to be the place where people from all over the world come to get better jobs and education, with the main purpose of making a better life for the next generation.

As an African American, I can look back just four generations to find ancestors bought and tortured through slavery and offsprings from the slave owners taking the female slaves for their pleasure. In fact, on both sides of my family, the owners had two families with children that in fact had the same names. The only thing separating the households was a hill, with the slaves living at the foot of the hill on the plantation and these brothers and sisters never had the opportunity to play with each other.

Can you imagine the life of slavery? I know I can’t, but I know that my ancestors all dreamed of a better life for their children. Thankfully, these brave men and women creating generations of successful educators, an architect, corporate executives and several small business owners. Even with the success of the generations that preceded mine, there’s still this drive to give our children an even better life than we had growing up.

I had an amazing childhood! I really didn’t realize I didn’t have money until late in junior high school, because of the sacrifices that my mom made and the support she received from my family to provide my needs and fill my life with so much love that the wants never really mattered to me… Much!

However, now with my own child, I feel compelled to buy every Spiderman toy on the shelf because of those times that my mom told me that she didn’t have the money to buy me toys when we went to Kmart. I mean really… How many toys does a four year old really need?

My wife’s mom was also a single mom and she worked tirelessly to take care of her children. When she wasn’t working, she was so extremely exhausted that she was often asleep trying to get enough energy for her next shift. This means that she wasn’t as available for her kids to do homework, play and support them in extracurricular activities. She had to do it by herself and didn’t have a team or village to encourage her kids to do more. She had to make money to pay the rent and keep the lights on.

Now my wife believes that she is doing our son a disservice by only spending a few hours a day with him. Ironically as small business owners, we have the flexibility to bring him to the office all day or even all week when school is closed, attend every single function at his preschool, leave the office early to take him to Tae Kwon Do, take off on Fridays to go to swim and even take the day just because. This is way more time and flexibility than either of our parents had combined, but we still feel guilty when we don’t get quality time with him in the evenings after work. Why?

I believe we all carry the guilt of our childhood. Whatever we feel that we didn’t get from our parents we then overcompensate for with our children. I know that growing up without my dad means that I will likely be at every single sports practice and game and I might even coach, because I really missed having my dad there for me when I played sports as a young boy.

This is a cycle that is difficult to break and frankly I don’t know that I want to break this one. I want to make sure that I don’t beat myself up when I can’t be there. I want to be able to accept that I can’t buy him everything. I want my wife to know that it’s okay and healthy for our son to gain some independence and that he can only get this by spending quality time away from us and that it is okay.

We can’t change our past and we shouldn’t try to overcompensate for it through our children. Instead, we must embrace that our past helped us to grow and develop into the people we are today. That the challenges and disappointments we experienced have helped us to be better parents. And the fact is, our child is likely to have an issue with something we didn’t do for him and will again transfer this to his children with a goal of making sure that his children never have to go through what he did.

I think we simply need to embrace this guilt from our childhood and use it as motivation to celebrate how far we have come and acknowledge the sacrifices and hard work of our ancestors to ensure that we have a better life than they had.

http://libertyville.suntimes.com/news/12998539-418/libertyvilles-sedrik-newbern-writes-book-about-forgiving-his-father.html

You take it home and as you get ready to try it on, you notice that it may have been worn before. Of course you say to yourself, this was probably from when someone else was trying it on. It’s yours now, so what?

After modeling in the mirror for a minute, you notice it… a stain! You think it’s really not that noticeable, or at least that’s what you tell yourself. You have waited too long and looked everywhere for this, plus, it’s a perfect fit.

The Tide wipes don’t work and you don’t want to damage it anymore because you’ll get stuck with it. You decide to accessorize a bit to try to hide the stain, but it’s still obvious. Then you think if you ignore it and don’t point it out, then others won’t notice. Right!

You meet your girls and they all look at you strange. You wonder if they are jealous or if they see the stain. They keep looking at you and your prized possession and whispering. You get paranoid, then aggravated. Why don’t they just say it to your face?!?! Isn’t that what “friends” do? They are supposed to accept that everything ain’t perfect. They overlook the flaws and focus on the positive. That’s what you did when you realized that he, I mean “it” had a past… Right? That he was stained!

But now you are paying for it. His extra money goes to two other women to pay for his kids. Every weekend, he has one of the kids so there’s no time for you. This is a big stain and you can’t get past it to see the beauty in him and the responsibility he takes as a man. Instead, you focus on the stains.

What now? You’ve invested time. Is it too late to move on? Are you committed to pay for his stained past?

But wait… You got your own stains! You found him when you were praying that your credit card wouldn’t get declined because of your bad credit. He came in and immediately became a role model for your daughter when her father was nowhere to be found. How dare you not forgive his past when you have one yourself?

Often, we create unrealistic and unachievable requirements when we are looking for a significant other. We think that our poo poo don’t stink so why should we just accept anyone.

Now, I’m not saying that you should settle, because I didn’t and never would. We deserve better than settling.

What I am saying is that we often overlook the perfect person because they are missing something on the checklist. You know the list. Tall, handsome, successful (rich and willing to spend it on you and your kids), no kids, spiritual, a man’s man/thug, sensitive to your needs, romantic, athletic… Should I continue?

Look for genuine qualities that will get you through the challenges in life. Remember that beauty and good looks fade, success can be short lived, but finding the one who is there for you no matter what is invaluable and doesn’t always come in the package that you think it will.

As a kid, I honestly thought I was Spiderman. I wore my Spiderman Underoos just about every day. I even had the little web slinging glove (which the 70’s version fails in comparison to what is available today). One Saturday morning after watching Spiderman, I actually went outside with a jump rope that I slung over a tree limb. Somehow I thought the rope would cling to the tree so that I could swing like Spidey, and of course it didn’t so I landed flat on my back!

Now my son is carrying on the tradition of being Spiderman. He sleeps in Spiderman pajamas every night, wears Spidey socks and has way too many Spiderman figures, cars and other gadgets. When you say “Matthew” he says, “No, I’m Spiderman”! I promise I didn’t drill Spiderman into his head. It just came naturally, call it genetics. So far he has not attempted to swing on a tree, but once he does, it will make the circle of life complete.

As he continues to grow and develop, it amazes me to watch the similarities we share. I notice that he watches my every move and repeats everything I say (which is not always a good thing). Literally, when I stop suddenly, he bumps into me, because he is usually walking right behind me… in my footsteps.

Growing up without my dad was disappointing and difficult at times, especially since I didn’t have siblings to play with. I didn’t have a dad to crawl around the house and spray spider webs and attack the bad guys with my little ninja skills.

Now that I have my own son, I don’t care how crazy I look shooting fake spider webs in public. And yes, I will wear my Spiderman, Batman and Superman t-shirts with pride. Why? I want my son to enjoy life and explore his imagination. But in many ways, I’m creating the childhood moments that I missed with my own dad.

Dads – It’s easy to get consumed with providing for our families. Work can take over our lives. We allow deadlines and stress to limit our time spent with our children. Even when we are around, the smartphone is buzzing with emails and phone calls that take our attention away from them. Then we look up and our children are grown and we’ve totally missed it.

Take time out to spend real quality time with your children. Make sure that you are totally present. It’s not easy and frankly in no way am I the perfect example for others! I just pray that my son always remembers that I was willing to drop my iPad to jump over the couch, crawl under the table and shoot the bad guys in the other room with my spider webs to keep our house safe.

If you are ready to live a life of Unconditional Forgiveness, I would love to hear from you! To invite me to speak to your organization, please contact me today by visiting Newbern Consulting Group or by email – sedrik@newbernconsultinggroup.com.

Even though I didn’t know much about my dad as a small child, I always wanted to be as cool as I thought he was or as I imagined him to be. He had that 70’s/80’s swagger that made him “bad to the bone”. Everything I experienced in my limited visits with my dad was etched into my brain and magnified by 20.

For instance, I’ve always enjoyed music, even as a young child. Call it genetics, but I remain passionate for good quality music just like the soothing jazz and R&B that my dad would play when I was a kid visiting him.

I remember my dad taking me to a party at his friend’s house in Los Angeles. My dad walked up to the upright bass in the corner and started plucking away. To this day, I have no clue if the notes were right or if it was even a song. All I know is that my dad plucked out some funky tunes on the instrument that epitomizes coolness in jazz… the upright bass.

Then after watching my dad play the piano in the church basement during one of his visits back home, I knew at that moment that I needed to take piano lessons. Unfortunately, I didn’t stick with the piano long because my classmate showed me up at a talent show.

My dad sang in a group at church, and I can still remember him walking around the house singing getting his outfit ready on Saturday night. The suits, the shirt, the tie and the matching pocket square… he was clean! So guess what I did? I sang in school choirs all the way through high school before Glee Club was really cool. I even got to wear a fancy tuxedo with a blue tie and cummerbund when performing with the Hunters Lane High School Madrigals. Not quite the swagger I saw with my dad’s group, but we were quite snazzy for a high school chorus group.

As you can see, although I didn’t grow up with my dad, I still wanted to be just like him. He was my biggest role model outside of my mom and Spiderman. Now I see my own son trying to be just like me and I love it!

Unlike Charles Barkley, I embrace the idea that I am a role model to my son and many other young men and women. I realize as a man that I have been and continue to be a role model to many young people in the absence of their fathers. This fact inspires me to continuously give back to my community, set a positive example for others and treat everyone with respect. I know that I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for the qualities instilled in me by my mom, dad, step-dad, aunt and grandparents.

In addition to my dad, there were other father figures that filled in the gaps in my dad’s absence. The mentoring by men of Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity, Inc., coaches, church leaders, community volunteers and so many other men that gave me advice helped make a positive impact on my life. These men all showed me what it meant to be a man, father, husband and son.

Men – Are you making a difference in the lives of young people? Do you give of your time, knowledge and resources to young men in your community? Have you made the effort to show young women what to expect from a real man so they don’t lower their standards. Are you embracing the impact you can have as a role model and mentor for fatherless children?

So in essence, the walls and fences we build serve as protection in many ways, or do they? What about the wall you’ve built around your heart? Is it truly protecting you? Are you better off today, alone and filled with resentment?

“I’m not going to be naïve ever again. I know this relationship is going to turn out like all the others so why bother investing emotions and time into this one. There’s no way I’ll ever give my all to another man. I’m tired of being someone else’s doormat. I’m going to live for me!”

Ladies, does this sound familiar? We have all felt this way in our lives probably more often than we would like to admit.

For guys, the pain sounds more like, “I poured my heart out in this relationship and she told me that I need to ‘Man Up’ and be a real man. I’ll never show another woman my true feelings. She will never see my emotions no matter how much I’m hurting. I will never let another woman take advantage of me. I’m going to live for me!”

Do we really turn this pain into motivation to live for ourselves or does the pain become the cross we bear and use to attack others that try to develop a meaningful relationship with us?

We have all invested ourselves in the wrong person. Interestingly, we keep making the same mistakes, but don’t realize it until we’re too deep. So we end up getting hurt over and over again. Eventually we build walls and fences to protect ourselves.

I would offer that the wall around your heart keeps people from getting in and keeps you from getting out so that you can enjoy the world around you. I encourage you to find a way to forgive yourself and forgive those that hurt you. Whether it was your father or mother or spouse that left your family or the boyfriend or girlfriend that walked away with your heart and your pride, you have to keep it moving to live a life of happiness and fulfillment. You have to find unconditional forgiveness!

If you are ready to live a life of Unconditional Forgiveness, I would love to hear from you! To schedule your Complimentary consultation with Newbern Consulting Group or invite me to speak to your organization, please call today at 224.406.5443.

There are many inmates serving time for crimes they didn’t commit. Whether it was a court appointed attorney that didn’t serve them well, or the greater judicial system that, because of racial/social economic biases, found them guilty until proven innocent without the opportunity for a fair trial.

I would argue there are definite similarities between the judicial system and relationships… though I know I’m walking on a skinny branch by drawing this parallel and furthering the “ball and chain” idea. That said, I ask that you hear me out on this one.

Often in relationships, you make a mistake and the punishment never seems to fit the crime. No matter what you do, the other person is just not willing to forgive you and move on. You are officially in a “no win” situation… Guilty until proven innocent!

Frankly, many women have told me they expect to be disappointed by guys in relationships. In fact, it’s never a matter of “if” but “when”. Typically this is the result of pain from previous relationships when a guy disrespected them, didn’t live up to the promises made, constantly disappointed them and fell short on their expectations. After being disappointed so often, women simply become jaded and expect the next guy to be no different than the last five guys that hurt them. Because the last guy has moved on and there are still unresolved issues, the next guy to come along unfortunately has to pay the price.

Now to be fair, men have the same issues and frankly misappropriate their pain to unsuspecting and undeserving people in their lives… new woman in his life, children, family, co-workers, kid’s soccer coach, the guy at the stoplight, etc.

We often spend our lives hurting other people because we were hurt and never forgave the person that caused the pain. In other words, we never enjoy Agape love (which is selfless, sacrificial, unconditional love and the highest of the four types of love in the Bible) because our hearts are too hardened to forgive others and allow people into our hearts again without conditions. And when we don’t forgive, the person that hurt us still has the victory over our happiness and ultimately our spirit.

There is power and healing in forgiveness! First, we must forgive ourselves so that we can forgive others.

How many times have you said these words? When was the last time you admitted that you were wrong? How was it received? Were you forgiven right away or did you have to pay for your mistake for quite a while?

Most of us desire to be forgiven when we have hurt someone that we care about. We will do just about anything to make it right. This is such a challenge for relationships that even the TODAY show did a segment on The Art of the Apology.

But what happens when all of your efforts to earn forgiveness are not successful? What do you do if that person is still holding onto something you did for days, weeks, months if not years ago? What if the reason they can’t forgive you has nothing to do with you at all? What if the person is not willing to forgive you because what you did reminds them of pain from a previous relationship? How can you win in this situation? Is there anything you can do?

Often we have deep rooted pain that just won’t allow us to move on. We think that we’re over it, but in fact, we have only suppressed the issues until someone or something reminds us of the situation that hurt us. And when we are reminded, the pain sometimes erupts like a volcano of emotion because we never dealt with those feelings and the hurt that occurred in our past. Even when we try to address it at this point in our lives we can’t find the words to articulate the issues or the pain it causes. We just know that it hurts, because it takes us back to a dark place in our past that we vowed to never revisit.

Now imagine that you are the person that made the mistake and wants to make amends. However, nothing you can do or say changes the way the other person feels.  How do you right the wrong? How do you take back what was said? How do you convince them to forgive you and move past this one? Really, how do you push through it?

Saying I’m sorry and admitting fault seems to be the most difficult thing for people to do. Society has shown us (especially our politicians) that even when caught red handed, deny guilt until the very end. So when someone actually admits fault, they have walked out on a very skinny branch. They have admitted they were wrong, imperfect and in essence vulnerable. And then it happens. The denial of forgiveness is for many of us validation that it doesn’t pay to open up and admit that you made a mistake.

Ironically, the very person that will not forgive us may have already expected that we would make a mistake. For them, it wasn’t a matter of “if” but “when” we would hurt or disappoint them. In other words, we were guilty until proven innocent. This is a subject for another post, but how could we ever win in this scenario.

I don’t have the answers to this one. I wish I did… trust me! So maybe the question isn’t “What more must I do to be forgiven?” Maybe we need to ask the other person “what do you need to do to forgive?”

Did he really say that… on TV… on a show watched by 2.9 million viewers? What kind of man are you?

Unfortunately, he said on national TV what many men believe and practice every day.

I understand you are no longer in that relationship. The love is gone. It’s been replaced by hate because that’s the only way you know how to deal with your emotions from the pain of disappointment and failure. I get it. Hatred is a great shield to hide behind. Hatred gives you free license to hurt them and exact revenge.

Obviously, you don’t owe her anything. She is no longer your responsibility or obligation.

What about your kids? Should they be penalized too? Do they need to hurt too because you and their mom couldn’t be civil and work through your differences? Is this the example of responsibility you want your children to follow? Is this the example of commitment that was set by your parents? Is your love for your children less than your hatred for their mom?

C’mon men! This attitude and behavior reminds me of the kid that gets mad on the playground and takes his ball home so the other kids can’t finish the game. Is this behavior justified?

We need to step up and be men, instead of boys. We need to stop being selfish and start being selfless. We need to stop making excuses and blaming others for our own shortcomings and insecurities. We need to stop and think about the impact of our actions on generations to come.

You owe it to yourself to do everything you can for your children. You owe them your time, your money, your support, your guidance and most of all your unconditional love and unconditional forgiveness. Don’t let their mom or your ego get in the way of you being a dad.  Be the absolute best example of a man for your children… better yet for ALL children.

This is one of my favorite bible verses because it gives us a roadmap on “how” to love without condition. One of life’s best examples of how to love is the way a mother loves a child.

Let me start by saying that I was blessed with an amazing mom and wife. Both of them continue to prove that a mother’s love is like none other. Their patience, sacrifice, commitment and dedication are unparalleled. When I look at my life, there is no doubt my mother loves me unconditionally. When I look at the bond between my wife and son, I know that she loves him unconditionally.

But what happens when a child disappoints his mother? Does her love fade or is that the time that her love shines through?

Way more often than not, a mother’s love allows her to overlook her child’s faults and mistakes in life and love them in spite of the disappointment she might feel. This is the definition of unconditional love. But in order to love unconditionally, a mother has to forgive her child and the action that led to the disappointment.

As a child, isn’t that the best feeling to hear your mom say, “don’t worry about it, I forgive you?” Even as an adult, those seven words still have amazing healing power. There is nothing that hurts me more than to know that I hurt or disappointed my mom, but to have her forgive me always made and still makes me feel better immediately. And the same is true when it comes to my beautiful wife.

So why can’t we love and forgive each other unconditionally as a mother does her child? I assert that it’s because we view forgiveness and unconditional love as vulnerability and not for the power that it brings. We feel we just can’t expose ourselves for fear of rejection, pain and abuse. This fear is often driven by the disappointments we have experienced in relationships early in life.

Wounds from disappointment run deep and never heal. However, just as with all wounds, if we do not treat our past wounds they get infected, scab up. The result is a hardness forms in the place of a once tender wound. Though not immediately visible, such an emotional wound is noticeable to others that get close enough, and definitely evident when healthy emotional involvement is required for any relationship to grow. The fact is, you know what wounds are in your heart and you know what caused them. Hence you never forget the pain and protect your heart at all costs.

These wounds prevent us from loving unconditionally because we haven’t forgiven ourselves and the person that hurt us. So we get stuck and it’s hard to move on. We have to understand there is power in forgiveness and that love never gives up, never loses faith, and is always hopeful. It endures through every circumstance. There’s just no love without forgiveness.

Give this remedy a try. Examine your past wounds. Apply forgiveness and love generously to the wound. Then, watch closely for the healing that follows.